I have gone crazy a few times now. Manic episode, psychotic break, mental breakdown, whatever the term, I can’t deny it.

I’ll refer to them as “episodes”. My awesome neuropsychologist called one a “discrete episode”, which I appreciated. They are one of the few people who didn’t label me with bipolar disorder, and recognized that my symptoms were borne of PTSD, medication changes, lack of medication support for my ADHD, autistic/sensory overwhelm, and resulting from a traumatic event, of which I’ve had many these last few years. Ultimately, I’m not denying bipolar; I meet the criteria. But I still believe that each episode had a cause unrelated to the condition, despite it being seen as the cause.

The report I shared in an earlier blog post has a couple sections that helped me understand these episodes. This one in particular helped me understand my challenges with medications better. It also gave me a reference to both psychosis and the treatment of ADHD, both being key aspects of my experiences.

My anxiety hits the roof when I don’t have my ADHD meds, which makes it easier to suffer meltdowns and overwhelm. In some ways, I think a meltdown is not unlike a brief psychotic episode. I have very little control over my words/actions in those moments and sometimes I only have vague recollection of what happened. I know they are not entirely rational, either. I’m sure in times I’d had meltdowns in public spaces, it would be seen as psychotic or manic to most people.

(I don’t necessarily blame them, but more understanding/awareness is needed.)

I also seem to have a knack for what I’ve called “meltdowns in textual format”, where I’ve sent rude/disorganized/hurtful/crazy delusional messages or emails to people, and have very little/no recollection of it until either the person tells me, or I’ve gone back to a chat history and seen it. Sometimes when I read what I’ve written I can figure out what illogical thought process led to my words, but sometimes I cannot even bear to read the things I wrote. And .. often times it results in the person/people on the receiving end of these messages, cutting contact with me. It’s devastating. And I have no rationale for this that doesn’t sound like an excuse. I know a lot of it was caused by medication, and I want to further explore that in another post, but it’s not the point in this one.

I feel a lot of shame over these incidents. Even more so when I have little/no recollection of the actions/words. It’s really hard to just take responsibility for things I know in my heart I’d never, ever say (or in some cases, even think) or actions taken that go against everything I believe in. But I have to acknowledge these things happened and own them.

Honestly, It’s led to my learning a lot about dissociation, fugue, and amnesic states though. And this knowledge helps me understand how my actions in these states weren’t my fault and forgive myself a little, but it still doesn’t change what’s happened, or repair rifts that occurred with friends or acquaintances or potential mentors/professionals I’ve met… I’ve lost/scared off many meaningful relationships… and I hope that one day some will know how deeply sorry I am for those words and/or actions, and how much I wish I could have found a way to escape or stop what was happening; or explain myself in a way that was heard/understood. But I can’t change what’s happened, only learn from it, and share lessons where I am able.

I am sharing this because I’ve been nervous to post anything personal and hesitant to become a stronger advocate because it seems whenever I try to be more authentic, something happens that unbalances things … truth is, I’m scared to be myself sometimes… and I worry that people will remember my words or actions back then, and judge me or dismiss anything I have to say now. My most recent episode was quite public. I don’t want these episodes to define me, because know I can contribute/use my experiences in positive ways that could help others. I’m discovering that my challenges with medications aren’t quite so unique, so if my sharing could also validate another’s experience, or inform their own challenges, maybe even forgive themselves a little, too.. then it’s worth doing.

It also might be a good way to document all the medical references in one place, and organize it in a way that’s easy to follow, so that others can refer to them easily. More to come on this soon. EDIT: Despite all the news and opinions recently related to antidepressant withdrawal… I’d almost forgotten that the first episode happened about a week after I stopped an SSRI, escitalopram.